Why....

...do I have to have feelings?

If I could live without worrying about my feelings, other peoples feelings, the repercussions of my actions, etc. life would be grand. I wouldn't be blogging about it this very moment. I wish I could move to Africa, set up my hut, have a few dogs, start a farm, live in solitude and be truly happy. I know I wouldn't be happy because I genuinely like interacting with people. But being social and being around people you mesh with means there's attachments and feelings and emotions. And undeniably there comes drama and frustration and sadness that I just wish could be washed out of my being and I didn't have to deal with. Why can't I just not care?


And...why do I always have this hope that things will change and lets be honest, they never do?

I think my 'hoping' for things has become a sick disturbing feature in my psychotic mind. It truly is an unhealthy trait that I'm sure friends and family get annoyed with. They talk to me about certain subjects and then I manipulate them into telling me what I want to hear; 'I can see where you're coming from Beth, and you're right, keep hoping for that change', just so I can feel justified in my hoping. But maybe perhaps it would be better if people were just straight up with me. It will definitely suck initially and I probably won't listen cause I'm stubborn and always seem to think that what I know is best...but perhaps I will live a much happier life if people didn't beat around the bush? Oh but wait, I'll go back into the situation I was having issues with and my hope will be replenished full force. I suck.

[sigh]

Sorry for the tangent. I really do love my life. :)