October 27, 2008
Side note to last night's blog-
I just want whoever reads this to know that I'm happy! I was just venting and it actually felt good. I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer! ;) I have a wonderful life and have many many blessings that I am grateful for, but I also have too much time to think and rethink stupid things in my life. But really, life is wonderful! :)
October 26, 2008
Why....
...do I have to have feelings?
If I could live without worrying about my feelings, other peoples feelings, the repercussions of my actions, etc. life would be grand. I wouldn't be blogging about it this very moment. I wish I could move to Africa, set up my hut, have a few dogs, start a farm, live in solitude and be truly happy. I know I wouldn't be happy because I genuinely like interacting with people. But being social and being around people you mesh with means there's attachments and feelings and emotions. And undeniably there comes drama and frustration and sadness that I just wish could be washed out of my being and I didn't have to deal with. Why can't I just not care?
And...why do I always have this hope that things will change and lets be honest, they never do?
I think my 'hoping' for things has become a sick disturbing feature in my psychotic mind. It truly is an unhealthy trait that I'm sure friends and family get annoyed with. They talk to me about certain subjects and then I manipulate them into telling me what I want to hear; 'I can see where you're coming from Beth, and you're right, keep hoping for that change', just so I can feel justified in my hoping. But maybe perhaps it would be better if people were just straight up with me. It will definitely suck initially and I probably won't listen cause I'm stubborn and always seem to think that what I know is best...but perhaps I will live a much happier life if people didn't beat around the bush? Oh but wait, I'll go back into the situation I was having issues with and my hope will be replenished full force. I suck.
[sigh]
Sorry for the tangent. I really do love my life. :)
If I could live without worrying about my feelings, other peoples feelings, the repercussions of my actions, etc. life would be grand. I wouldn't be blogging about it this very moment. I wish I could move to Africa, set up my hut, have a few dogs, start a farm, live in solitude and be truly happy. I know I wouldn't be happy because I genuinely like interacting with people. But being social and being around people you mesh with means there's attachments and feelings and emotions. And undeniably there comes drama and frustration and sadness that I just wish could be washed out of my being and I didn't have to deal with. Why can't I just not care?
And...why do I always have this hope that things will change and lets be honest, they never do?
I think my 'hoping' for things has become a sick disturbing feature in my psychotic mind. It truly is an unhealthy trait that I'm sure friends and family get annoyed with. They talk to me about certain subjects and then I manipulate them into telling me what I want to hear; 'I can see where you're coming from Beth, and you're right, keep hoping for that change', just so I can feel justified in my hoping. But maybe perhaps it would be better if people were just straight up with me. It will definitely suck initially and I probably won't listen cause I'm stubborn and always seem to think that what I know is best...but perhaps I will live a much happier life if people didn't beat around the bush? Oh but wait, I'll go back into the situation I was having issues with and my hope will be replenished full force. I suck.
[sigh]
Sorry for the tangent. I really do love my life. :)
October 22, 2008
It's official!
Soooooooooo I get bored at work, and have taken up the habit of drawing on my blotter/calendar. It's a fun way to pass the time when I have nothing to do, and I really enjoy drawing and using my creativity. It started with simple designs for special occasions and weekends where I was heading to Florida or doing something fun; easy enough. This year I decided to add a quote in the blank space. Fine, still not that weird. Now, it's just plain sad, cause I officially have OCD and my 'designs' tend to take a tad bit longer and frankly, I get irritated with myself when I mess up and its just a stupid calendar. LAME-
But I really enjoy doing it. My friends at work say I should start a company decorating other peoples calendars. Ha! They are silly silly individuals! I've attached two pictures of my calendar this month...mind you, I don't trace the design, that's why I get frustrated with myself! ha
Anywho, that's what I do. :)
*Please note that some of the writing is not of me, it's Clint who tries to be as equally cool.
October 8, 2008
Training Update
Well I have not been the best at my half marathon training. I was supposed to start last week, which I sort of did; I only went to the gym twice. Pathetic. Why am I so lame. Here are the results...
9/30: I could barely run 2 miles straight. I suck. I started at what I felt was my comfortable pace (5.0), but that's over a 12 minute mile and you're going to go no where fast, so I cranked it up to a 10.3 minute mile (5.5) for the next leg. Yeah no bueno, had to stop cause I was gasping for air. Walked for 5 minutes then finished...3.15 miles in 40 minutes. I guess that's not too bad for the first day back from a very long lapse of no exercise.
10/2: Same as Tuesday, maybe I should of strength trained on Wednesday. But lets be honest Gym or World Series game...I chose the latter. This day wasn't as bad, but I was again only able to run 3.16 miles in 40 minutes.
I had planned on going to the gym Saturday but with conference and cleaning and hanging with friends, I didn't go. LAME-
I didn't go Monday for whatever reason...oh yeah, World Series. So Monday night I was more than likely complaining to Julianne, who so generously offers her time and support to me every time we talk, had a wonderful idea to go jogging together in the morning. Well 5:45 AM came along and we* did not wake up! haha
*She says she woke up and was waiting for me to come into her room; I don't believe it! ;)
10/7: Julianne and I redeemed ourselves (well myself, she jogged twice yesterday...over-achiever) and went to the gym last night. I ran the first 10 minutes at 5.0, next 10-12 at 5.5 equating to a little over 2 miles, walked for 5 minutes, ran at 5.5 for 7 minutes, next 2 minutes at 6.0, and then the last minute I full-on sprinted at 6.5. I ran a total of 3.30 miles in 40 minutes which I guess isn't that bad but I need to do better.
I feel beat today because I'm pretty much the most pathetic runner person ever. haha If I can just get back to being able to do 3 miles in 30 minutes easy I will be content...I have the rest of October to do it, otherwise I'm done for! haha
Other than my vague attempt to "train", life is the same.
9/30: I could barely run 2 miles straight. I suck. I started at what I felt was my comfortable pace (5.0), but that's over a 12 minute mile and you're going to go no where fast, so I cranked it up to a 10.3 minute mile (5.5) for the next leg. Yeah no bueno, had to stop cause I was gasping for air. Walked for 5 minutes then finished...3.15 miles in 40 minutes. I guess that's not too bad for the first day back from a very long lapse of no exercise.
10/2: Same as Tuesday, maybe I should of strength trained on Wednesday. But lets be honest Gym or World Series game...I chose the latter. This day wasn't as bad, but I was again only able to run 3.16 miles in 40 minutes.
I had planned on going to the gym Saturday but with conference and cleaning and hanging with friends, I didn't go. LAME-
I didn't go Monday for whatever reason...oh yeah, World Series. So Monday night I was more than likely complaining to Julianne, who so generously offers her time and support to me every time we talk, had a wonderful idea to go jogging together in the morning. Well 5:45 AM came along and we* did not wake up! haha
*She says she woke up and was waiting for me to come into her room; I don't believe it! ;)
10/7: Julianne and I redeemed ourselves (well myself, she jogged twice yesterday...over-achiever) and went to the gym last night. I ran the first 10 minutes at 5.0, next 10-12 at 5.5 equating to a little over 2 miles, walked for 5 minutes, ran at 5.5 for 7 minutes, next 2 minutes at 6.0, and then the last minute I full-on sprinted at 6.5. I ran a total of 3.30 miles in 40 minutes which I guess isn't that bad but I need to do better.
I feel beat today because I'm pretty much the most pathetic runner person ever. haha If I can just get back to being able to do 3 miles in 30 minutes easy I will be content...I have the rest of October to do it, otherwise I'm done for! haha
Other than my vague attempt to "train", life is the same.
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